Wednesdays with Stumpe (read second)

Here’s where the night unfolds into the chaotic splendor that is my life. I begin to cut up the peppers, mushrooms, and onions upon which the fish will sit upon during its steam bath. As I am doing so the knife slips a little and I cut my thumb. Very shallow cut, nothing major. I figure wrap it up in a paper towel with some pressure and I’ll be back to cutting veggies in seconds. Well, the cut has different plans and decides to NOT STOP BLEEDING. Blood is just soaking up the paper towels. I had never seen so much blood from such a shallow cut. With no real first aid kit or bandages I start my hunt for the next best thing--which would actually be duct tape but in this case—electrical tape. I look everywhere and can’t seem to find my tape. As I am searching however I do find an ugly scary bug sitting on top of the doorframe to a closet. Concerned about the bug but focused on the bleeding I continue my search. I decide that super glue might do the trick and try to seal the cut. Once again, the cut has other plans. Rather than just oozing out, the blood finds its way to the ends and escapes the seal forming beads of blood that would eventually grow and want to drip. Seeing this failure, I check one last place for the electrical tape, the drawer where it belongs, and lo and behold, there it is. With paper towel underneath I tape up my thumb and turn my attention to the ominous bug sitting upon the doorframe watching my every move.



A bit of a side note: I hate bugs. This is mostly a recent development. We had minor cockroach infestation when we first arrived. Ben would hear them at night in the kitchen in plastic shopping bags that sat on the floor or counter tops. He also heard them ruffle through the tin foil that sits in the stove top bowl things. At night when I woke up needing to pee (Another side not here. This is a new development too. I use to sleep straight through the night. Is this an old age thing? Lord have mercy!) and as I would simultaneously turn on the bathroom light and walk into the bathroom roaches would scurry about. One time particularly, a cockroach ran in the worng direction and into my path. As I began to complete my stride with foot to the floor I lightly stepped on the cockroach, let out a manly yelp, and stepped away very calmly (okay so maybe I screamed and ran like hell). It was gross and effectively creeped me out. Another time as I was sorting out dirty laundry from my hamper to be washed, I picked up a shirt and out runs a cockroach onto my arm and down my hand. I flung that thing across the room and spent the next hour hunting it down.

I’ve since been able to rid my apartment of cockroaches with roach bait. At first this made them really stupid. In the past, we mostly had encountered them at night. One morning as Ben was eating breakfast one walked up right next to his cereal bowl on the table. It soon found itself dead. In another instance, I was taking my morning shower, or drinking my morning coffee you could say, when I notice a cockroach poke its head around the shower curtain. All hopped up on roach bait the cockroach proceeds to walk down the bathtub wall toward the water, and more importantly, toward me. I let out one of my manly yelps and not so gracefully jump out of the shower nearly killing myself in the process. Thankfully, I haven’t seen one of those dirty roaches in my apartment for some time now. I still check my shoes before I put them on, just in case… I guess I should give them credit though for motivating me to keep the apartment clean and crumb free as much as possible!



So back to the menacing bug in my apartment earlier today. My plan of attack at first involved Windex and shoes. Instead of killing it I decide I should take it into work and see if anybody knows what it is and if it is to be feared (in truth, it’s probably harmless, but that doesn’t make me like it anymore!). My new plan of attack involves a broom, my shaving gel (which had been used successfully to trap dirty roaches on several occasions), and Tupperware. As far away as possible I nudge the thing with no response. I then nudge with a little more force, it seems annoyed but its grip is strong. Finally I had enough and knocked it off of its ivory tower. Forced in one direction I suppose it was being led toward harm so it turned around and ran straight towards me. And let me tell you, this little bugger was fast. I was finally able to see its whole body and it was merely a centipede. All worked up over a centipede. Regardless, I managed to trap it in the Tupperware and left it to squirm. Sometime in the last few days I acquired an annoying, itchy bug bite the size of a nickel on my ankle. Any bug spotted in the apartment is now a possible threat and will be treated as such. I would later read that some are poisonous or harmful. So I kept him and maybe I’ll use him as a prank or scare tactic tomorrow…

Tools of the trade

Eventually I make it back to the original task at hand: Dinner. I let my mind wander here and there as I slice and dice. A light bulb eventually pops up. I decide to take pictures of my cooking escapades to prove to the girls at work that I can manage to find my way around a kitchen. At this point, the fish is relaxing in its steam bath atop a pile of veggies. I had just turned the stove on high to boil the water for the rice. With very little thought, I run out to my car to fetch my camera that I had left in the middle console. Gone but ten seconds I come back to a smoky apartment and small flames coming from the stove top drip bowl thingy (I really have no idea what that thing is called). Something that just didn’t sink in from Home Economics: Never leave the kitchen while cooking. Mom’s and dad’s do it all the time. No harm, no foul, right?



One idea phases into another and I decide rather than trying to impress just the girls at work (who are mostly much older than me, married, and well, just not compatible with me) I should post pictures on Facebook. In this way I can woo the ladies--even from afar—and impress them with my culinary talents. Then they will see what a suitable husband I would make! Better even yet, why not blog about it!?! I’ll have their heart in no time!... And somehow it evolved into this.

Dinner turned out better than I expected. I even ate one of the eyeballs! Typically I only mange to make, at the very most, food that is edible. This time, however, I found it to be rather tasty. Now whether or not others would think so is to questioned. I do have some leftovers if anybody is feeling like a midnight snack! The pictures don’t really do it justice. In fact, the pictures made the fish look kind of sketchy. But take my word for it, it was delicious!





To top off the night I treated myself to a brownie (also made by me—what do you think about me now ladies!?) covered with Grape Nut Ice Dream made on the magnificent Cayman island of Grand Cayman. Shortly after I finished my delectable dessert I chased down a moth with be broom sending another bug to its ill-fated destiny.





As all good things do, the day came to an end. I can’t help but to be reminded of the quote from the old and wise Professor Morrie: “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live. Once we accept that death is inevitable we will begin to appreciate life and take advantage of the time we have here. Furthermore, I wish that someone would make a “where they are now” documentary on the likes of Amelia Bedelia, Steve Urkel, and Mr. Bean so that I might know my fate! In the end, though, as awesome as the day was, I was gently reminded…